


My Kingkiller

by banky (Storm_Bringer), Mr Head Scrub (Cardinal_Perplexus)



Category: Kingkiller Chronicles - Patrick Rothfuss
Genre: (We're seriously planning ahead - please bear with us.), Anal Sex?, Mentions of Chandrian, Mentions of the Amyr, My Immortal AU, Other, Tags Subject to Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-10-23
Packaged: 2018-05-31 01:53:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 7,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6450718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Storm_Bringer/pseuds/banky, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cardinal_Perplexus/pseuds/Mr%20Head%20Scrub
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>hai dis is kvothe<br/>dont like dont read</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

AN: Specul thans (get it cuz Im punk) 2 my gf (hel yeh that way) banky 4 helpin me wiv dis sotry and spelling. U the bes! XXX ur da lub of my ragey life u rok 2! MISFITS ROX!

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Hi my name is Kvothe Lackl'ss Arlidenson Bloodless Kingkiller and I have shoulder length red hair (its my most defining featur) that looks like fire and amyr tattoos and amazing green eyes like fae forests and a lot of people tell me I look like Taborlin the Great (AN: if u dont kno who he is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Ilien but I wish I was cuz hes a major fucking hottie. Im a Edema Ruh but I dont travel anymore. I have pale ivry skin. Im also a wizard and I go to a magic school called the University in the Commonwealth where Im re'lar. (I'm seventeen). Im poor (in case you couldnt tell) and I wear whatvr I can get my hands on. I love scaring the shit out of tailors and I buy all of my clothes that way. For example today I was wearing a ragged shirt and one of my only two pairs of paints and my only pair of shoes. I was wearing my normal accents of soot from working in the Fishery. I was wlaking outside the University. It was snowing and raining so ther was no sun, whicn I was v happy about. A lot of loordlings stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

“Hey Kvothe!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was . . . . . . Ambrose Jakis!

“Whats up Ambrose?” I asked

“Nothing” he siad shyly

But then I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me thx


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hai dis is kvothe  
> dont like dont read

AN: Thans 2 Mr Headscrub 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW plebs stop flaming ma story ok!

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the top of my lute case and drank some wine from a bottle I had. My case was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my bed and took of my giant Ilien t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a ratty cotton shirt, a shitty gram, my only pair of boots, and black fishnets on. I put on two rings (bone n wood cuz i get AROUND, DAMMIT) on my bard fingers, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Wilem (AN: Headscrub dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. He flipped his cropped raven black hair and opened his whiskey brown eyes. He put on his Felurian t-shirt with black pants so tight they were practically skin, fishnets, and pointed leather boots. We packed our pockets with supplies (paper, pen, snark.)

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Ambrose Jakis yesterday!” He said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like Ambrose?” He asked as we went out of the shithole I call lodgings and into the bar below.

“Shit in god's beard--I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

“Yeah right!” He exclaimed. Just then, Ambrose walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, The Lay of Sir Savean's having a concert in Imre.” he told me.

“Tehlu's. Fucking. Hand!” I screamed. I love TLoSS. They are my favorite band, besides DeathGrips.

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to like the fic and subscribe to the fic if this shit is yo thang


	3. Chapter 3

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! utterwize thnaks 2 da pnuk ass binches 4 da good reveiws! THANKS AGEN BANKY! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics.

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On the night of the concert I put on my only pair of shoes. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets I found in the trash somewhere. Then I put on my literal only other shirt that was actually kinda ratty too. I put on matching fishnet on my arms that I also found in the trash. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little angry then, so I shanked some guy in an alley. I sang an angry song while I waited for him to stop bleeding and I listened to some The Lay of Sir Savean. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some greysdale mead so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Ambrose was waiting there in front of his carrige. He was wearing a Riot Grrrl t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

“Hi Ambrose!” I said in a angry voice.

“Hi Kvothe.” he said back. We walked into his fancy carrige Mercedes-Benz (the back said FUK U) and drove to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to The Lay of Sir Savean and Johnny Rotten. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to The Lay of Sir Savean.

“See a man without a face?  
Move like ghosts from place to place.  
What's their plan? What's their plan?  
Chandrian. Chandrian.” sang Jax (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).

“Jax is so fucking hot.” I said to Ambrose, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Ambrose looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked Ambrose sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Jax and he’s going out with the fucking Moon. “I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly silver face.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Ambrose. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked A Scrael and Jax for their autugraphs and photos with them. We got The Lay of Sir Savean concert tees. Ambrose and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Ambrose didn’t go back into Imre, instead he drove the carigtoward……………………… the Archive!


	4. Chapter 4

AN: I sed stup flaming ok kot'es name is KVOTHE nut gary stu OK! JAKIS IS SOO IN LUV wif him dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!  
  
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“AMBROSE!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”  
  
Ambrose didn’t answer but he stopped the flying carrig (the license plat sez FUK U) and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.  
  
“What the fekking hell?” I asked angrily.  
  
“Kvothe?” he asked.  
  
“What?” I snapped.  
  
Ambroes leaned in extra-close and I looked into his punkass blue eyes (he was wearing color contacts, fuckin prep) which revealed so much aggrivating snobbiness and fuckboi rage and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.  
  
And then…………… suddenly just as I Ambrose kissed me passionately. Ambrose climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my fishnets (the ones from the trash). Then he put his thingie into my butthole and we did it for the first time.  
  
“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….  
  
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”  
  
It was…………………………………………………….Lorren!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What we mean by “PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws” is “please god fucking comment and validate us and this terrible mistake.”

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! Da only reson Loren swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

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Master Loren made and Ambrose and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.

I started to cry tears for fears down my pallid face. Ambrose comforted me. When we went back to the University Loren put us on the horms but only Master Elodin and Master Arwyl were ther and who were both looking very angry.

“They were having sexual outercourse in the Archives!” he yelled in a furious voice.

 “Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Master Arwyl.  
  
“How dare you?” demanded Master Elodin.  
  
And then Ambrose shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!”  
  
Everyone was quiet. Loren and Master Arwyl still looked mad but Master Elodin said. “Fine. Very well. You may go the fuck home.”  
  
Ambrose and I went outside while the masters glared at us.  
  
“Are you okay, Kvothe?” Ambrose asked me gently.  
  
“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to Anker's and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into my literal only other shirt while imagining what pretty clothing I could steal from somebodys trash this time of night.  
  
Ambrose was standing in front of the privy, and he started to sing a sad and angry song. A snangry song. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his swank ass digs.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6.

AN: shit the eff up plebs k???!??! PS I WNTO UPDTAE UBTIL U GET GUUD RVewOS! RIP IN PISS

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The next day I woke up in my cabinet. I put on black booty shorts that was all frayed at the edges and torn along the hemming (cuz im poor n i found it in the garbage), my only shirt 9cUZ IM POOR BITCHES WTF???), my fishnets (duh), and my only pair of boots (black, high heeled, beautiful. pride of my fukin closet amirIGHT HEADSCRUB?!?!?). I put on my shitty gramcracker, and slipped on my two rings (bone n wood). I spray-painted my wall with red for good punkass measure.

In the Mess Hall, I downed several burning shots of whatever Manet tossed my way, beans that Sovoy trashed, and some crummy fuckin bread. Suddenly, someone bumped into me. All the beans spilled over my top.

“Shithead!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the tan, earthen face of a fae boy with spiky black hair with starlight streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn’t have hooves anymore, and instead of normal fucking contacts, he had thos damn bright ass blue eyes that totes kicked ambrose's eyes asses. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy Spanish accent. He looked exactly like the singer from Los Monjo. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like wet only I'm a guy so I didn’t get one you sicko.

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a silky voice.

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

“I'm Bastas, son of Remmen, Prince of Twilight and the Telwyth Mael...although most people call me _Bast_ these days.” he grumbled.

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because it's fucking easier to say, shithole.” he giggled.

“Well, _I'm_ a punk, you see.” I confessed.

“Really?” he whimpered.

“YEAH” I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Ambrose came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.


	7. I'm a teenig lobotoby.

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Kvothe isn’t a Gary Stue ok he isn’t perfect HES A PUNK! n he has problemz hes angry 4 tehluz sake!

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Ambrose and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I had blood caked underneath my nails from the last time I fucked someone up in an alley. (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Garu Sute 2 u?). I waved to Bast. Firey anger was in his angry eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Ambrose. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Ambrose. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…………

We started modeging passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather hihg heelied boots and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his rock lobster erection in my butthole and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

“Oh Ambrose, Ambrose!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Ambrose'z arm. It was a shitty stickpoke of a grenade. On it in bloody punky writing were the words………… Bast!

I was so angry.

“You Basttard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Ambrose pleaded. But I knew too much.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have nemserria anyway!”

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Ambrose ran out even though he was naked. He had a really huge dickiejhon but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire’s lecture hall where he was having a lesson with Professor Elodin and some other people.

“BAST SON OF REMMEN, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flossing ok! if u do den u r a pleb!

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Everyone in the class stared at me and then Ambrose came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

“Kvothe, it’s not what you think!” Ambrose screamed sadly.

My friend Auri smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length dandelion puff white hair, revealing her punk undercut, and opened her bright blue eyes like a cloudless sky. She had snow white skin that she was wearing no makeup on, because she didn't fucking need it. Auri was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are royals and one of them is an amyr but the Chandrian killed her mother and her father disappeared to his ranks, wherever the fuck _that_ is. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real name isn't Auri, tho whatever the hell it is, she's not saying. Sneaky binch.

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Eloden demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him like always.

“Bast, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Ambrose!” I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

I don’t know why Kvothe was so mad at me. I had went out with Bast (I’m bi and so is kvothe) for a while but then he broke my fucking heart. He dumped me because he liked some bitch named...Diane? Daenae? Dinnah? I dunno, some stupid flighty armcandy fuckin hoe. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, like that bitch skippin out on him, and now he was punk. (Haha, like I would hang out with a pleb.)

“But I’m not going out with Ambrose anymore!” said Bast, looking pissy.

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you basttard!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Archives where I had lost my virility to Ambrose and then I started to bust into tears.


	9. Chapter 9

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da slew regrd fo snlit hings ok so itz nut my folt if loren swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson eLodin dosent lik bast now is coz he liks irnMädchen and bast is a haardcore punxxx! PUBLIC ENEME ROX!

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I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Ambrose for cheating on me. I began to cry against the four plate doors where I did it with Ambrose.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with blvk eyes and a ppinty nose and everything started hauling his ass towards me on a legs! He didn’t have a possee (basically like cinderblock in the book) and he was wearing armor but it was obvious he wasn’t soldir. It was…… Cinder!

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Cindur shouted “FUCK!” and I couldn’t run away.

“Sipkwik!” I shouted at him. Cinder fell of his legs and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.

“Kvothe.” he yelled. “Thou must killeth Bast of Ramen!”

I thought about Bast and his sexah eyes and his pnuky black hair and how his face looks just like John Madden A E I O U A E I O U. I remembered that Ambrose had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Ambrose went out with Bast before I went out with him and they broke up?

“No, Master Ash!” I shouted back.

Cinder gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.

“Thou must!” he yelled. “If 't be true thou doest not, then I shalt killeth thy beloved Ambrose! ”

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

Cinder got a dude-ur-so-shutty look on his face. “I has't pyromanai.” he answered cruelly. “And if 't be true thee doth not killeth Bast, then thou knoweth what wilt befall to Ambrose!” he shouted. Then he walked away angrily on his legs.

I was so fucked and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Ambrose came into the stacks.

“Ambrose!” I said. “Hi!”

“Hi.” he said back but his face was all angstly. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a shiv (geddit) between Jhon Meddan brbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbr and Elvis Coachella.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“Nah.” he answered.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I jaculated.

“That’s okay.” he said all pissy and we went back into Uiversity together playign tonill hoky.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10.

AN: hey shitbags if u guyz have red cursed child then u gotta LISTEN UP!!!!! wer'e plannin suhm shit for that so keep an eyebal out  
thxs

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I was really scared about Cindy all day. I was even upset went to rehearsals with my fucked punk band PissPoorSelas69. I am the lead singer of it and I play the lute. People say that we sound like a cross between PWR BTTM, The Misfits and BLXPLTN. The other people in the band are Auri, Bast, Ambrose, Sim (although we call him HRH now, cuz he's 3rd in line to the throne. He has blond hair with singed edges from the last tiem his gf fuckign set his ass on fier.) and Hemme. Only today Ambrose and Bast were hung over so they weren’t coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew ambrose was probably shanking some pleb (he wouldn’t get arrested cuz he's a lordling and the only way you can arrest a lordling is by kissing major ass or, Tehlu forbid, pa y s o m e oe n off) and Bast was probably watching some movie about fairies like Pan's fuckening Labyrinth. I put on a black leather shirt i stole from amby that showed off my nipples and tiny ass shorts that said CREP on the butt. You can call me a slut, and I can tell yo hoe ass ur fukin right.

We were singing a cover of ‘The Lay of Sir Savien Traliard’ and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

“Kvothe! Are you OK?” Auri asked in a concerted voice.

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Sinner came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Bast! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really hot, even if he did go out with Ambrose. But if I don’t kill Bast, then Cindy, will fucking kill Ambrose!” I burst into tears.  
Suddenly Ambrose jumped out from behind a wall.

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking hobo peasant bitch!” 

I started to cry and cry. Ambrose started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Lorren walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache.

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely. “Kvothe Ambrose has been arrested in his fucening suite! He committed murder by shanking!"


	11. Chapter 11

AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly srs issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw thx 2 ma frend da banxterz 4 hleping me!

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“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorrorffied! Auri tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off and I ran to Ankerz crying myself. Lauren chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood sweat and tears and then I shanked some fucker in the fucking alleys. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Ani DiFranco song at full volume. I grabbed a ground beef and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so fucking angry! I got out of the bathtub and put on my literal onlt other shirt in a pissy rage. I put on my black heeelies and my vintage coutr rings.. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Elodin was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Brandeur was masticating to it! They were sitting on their pwnies.

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Florence and the Machine on it. Suddenly Bast ran in.

“Dick Butt!” he yelled at Elodin and Brandeur pointing his womb. I took my gun and shot Elodin and Brandeur a thirty seventeen times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Lorren ran in. “Kvothe, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he shouted looking at Elodin and Brandeur and then he waved his book and suddenly…

Hemme ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.

“What do you know, Hemme? You’re just a little University student!”

“I MAY BE A COLAGE STUDENT….” Hemme paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A ENCANIST!”

“This cannot be.” Elodin said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Lorren's book had shot him. “There must be other factors.”

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yelled in madly.

Brandeur held up the camera triumolephantly. “The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!”

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.

“Why are you doing this?” Brandeur said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.

And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to shank him in the face because I felt pissy.

“BECAUSE…BECAUSE….” Hemme said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a punk versioun of a song by the dEcemberists

“Because you’re punk?” Elodin asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Encanis.

“Because I LOVE HIM!”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Real talk real quick: Sorry about the lack of update last week. It was Banky's turn to update, but her laptop stopped working because of some mechanical shit. We opened it up to see if we could fix it, but it kinda started shedding all of its internal support structures in a shower of cheap plastic. Think Carrie, but with more mechanical parts. We're working on getting her a replacement.   
> tl;dr Gateway can eat my entire ass.

AN: stop f,aing ok hemme is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan skoolz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no elodiniant tehlin plus hemme isn’t really in luv wif kvothe dat was basil ok!

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I was about to shank some fucker again with the silver shiv that Ambrose had given me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together.

“NO!” I THOUGHT IT WAS HEMmme but it was Bast. He started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! THERES IRON!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red bluez.

I stopped. “How did u know?”

“I saw it! And my hooves are a thing again!”

“NO!” I ran up closer. “I thought you didn’t hooves anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but HRH changed it into a pentagram for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” he said back. “Anyway hooves showed up again! Fuck me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Ambrose…………….Cinder has him bdsm club!”

Anyway I was in the university nurse’s office now recovering from brusing my knuckles from shanking some fucker. Elodin and Brandeur and HIMwere there too. They were going to the ward after they recovered cause they were pedofiles and you can’t have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz.

Lorren had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked. I put up my middle finger at them.

Anyway Hemme came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of pink selasses.

“Kvothe I need to tell u somethnig.” he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the roses.

“Fuck off.” I told him. “You know I fucking hate the color pink anyway, and I don’t like fucked up lordlies like you.” I snapped. Hemme had been mean to me before for being pnuk.

“No Kvothe.” Hhemme says. “Those are not selas flwrs.”

“What, are they pnaks too you poser lord?” I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me pink selas.

“I saved your life!” He yelled angrily. “No you didn’t I replied.” “You saved me from getting a Lady Lackless p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Elodin and Brandeur.” Who MASTABBED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.

“Whatever!” I yelled angirly.

He pointed his guilder at the pink sells. “These aren’t saylas.” He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered Well If you wanted Honesty that’s all you haD TO SAY! .

“That’s not a spell that’s a MCR song.” I corrected him wisely.

“I know, I was just warming up my vocal chords.” Then he screamed. “audite Pwr bttm (3 all u ocol punk ben + liv fans out, there, that is a tribute! Specially for bank I <3 u bro) imo noto okayo!”

And then the roses turned into a huge green flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was green.

Now I knew he wasn’t a loord.

“OK I believe you now wtf is Ambrose?”

Hellemmme rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

“U c, Kvothee,” Lorren said, watching the two of us watching the flame. “2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?”

“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!” Hemme yelled. lOOREn lookd shockd. I guess he didn’t have a headache or else he would have said something back.

Heeem stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar,mastr lorrennnnn!”

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on my only other shirt that was all ripped on the ends with lace I found in the trash on it. There was some dirt stuff on the front. Then I put on black trashnets and my black high-heelliedd boots with pictures of Ilien on them. I put my hair all out around me so I looked like a fucking campfire (if u don’t know wata campfre is eat a dick) and I put blood on my mouth and coal and dirt on my face.

“You look kawai, girl.” Auri said sadly. “ **THX** (*theatre nozes*) you do too.” I said too, but I was

still upset. I stabbed too people in an alley feeling totally pissed and I watched them die. I stabbed another person behind Anker's and put the shades on so Elodin and Brandeur couldn’t spy on me this time. I went to some classes. Bast was in the Fae class for Faez. He looked all angsty because Ambrose had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Ambrose. He was stabbing some other unlucky fucks.

“Hi.” he said in a angry way. “Hi back.” I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Bast had beautiful blue punk eyes so much like Ambroses.

Then……… we jumped on each other and started hammering each other.

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” shouted Maester Arwyl who was watching us and so was everyone else.

“Bast you fucker!” I said slapping him. “Stop trying to hammer me. You know I loved Ambrose!” I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY HOOOOVES!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red blues.

“NO!” I ran up closer.

“I thought u didnt have hoves anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but HRH changed it into a pair of light up heelies for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” he said back. “Anyway my hooves happened and then I had a vision of what was happening to Ambrose…………….Cindur has him bdsm!”

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SPECIAL THANKZ 2 BANYK MY PUNK BLOOD SIS WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111

HEY Z DO U KNOW WHERE MY FLANNEL I


	13. Chapter 13

AN: banks thx 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of niel but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG!

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Bast and I ran up the stairs looking for Lorren We were so scared.

“Lorren Loreeeeeeeeeeen!” we both yelled. Lorren came there.

“What is it that you want now you despicable shits?” he asked angrily.

“Charmander has Ambrose!” we shouted at the same time.

He laughed in an evil voice.

“No! Don’t! We need to save Ambrose!” we begged.

“No.” he said meanly. “I don’t give a darn what Cinur does to Ambrose. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Kvothe.” he said while he frowned looking at me. “Besides I never liked him that much anyway.” then he walked away. Bast started crying. “My Ambrose!” he moaned. (AN: don’t u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!)

“Its okay!” I tried to tell him but that didn’t stop him. He started to cry tears of water. Then he had a brainstorm. “I had an idea!” he exclaimed.

“What?” I asked him.

“You’ll see.” he said. He took out his words and did a name. Then…… suddenly we were in Cindy’s lair!

We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. “Frakity Frik!”

It was……………………………….. Sinner!


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14.

AN: BANKY HERE. Thx 2 headscrub 4 helpin again. i couldn't fucking upd8 cuz my shitass compy decided to fuck right off in the middle of graduation noit. EAT MY ENTIRE ASS GATEWAY. anyway im an mcapple chika now. ps, kvothe aint nutting til u giv me 10 revoiwws!

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WARNING: RATED ARRRRRGH! IF U EASILY SCURRED GET THA HELL OFF MAH SHIP

We ran to where Cinna was. It turned out that Syntax wasn’t there. Instead the fat guy who killed basil was. Amby was there crying tears of lys. Haliax was torturing him. Bast and I ran in front of Haley-Axxx.

“FUCKOFFWANKAHZZZ!” he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun he Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. “Kvotheholyfuckurhawtridemealllllnight.” he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok)

“Huh?” I asked.  
”Kvothe you have a NOICE ASS will you have sex with me?” asked Hailey's Comet. I started laughing crudely. “What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard. Besides, I can't nut until banky gets 10 fuckin revoiwws, so what the fuck do i get outta it? NUT-THING.” I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a sprinkler.

“Nooooooooooooo!” he screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly.

“Whore-X, what art thou doing?” called Santa. Then…… he started coming! We could hear his high heels clacking to us. So we turned and fuckin hauled ass to university. We went to my room. Bast went away. There I started crying.

“What’s wrong honey?” asked Ambrose taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) and a really huge MEAT STICK and everything.

“Its so unfair!” I yielded. “Why can’t I just be ugly or plain like all da other arcanists and lords here except for Auri, because she’s not ugly or anything.”

“Why would you wanna be ugly? I don’t like the lords anyway. They are such fucking sluts.” answered Ambroski.

“Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Eloden and Brandeur took a video of me naked. Hemme says he’s in love with me. Bast likes me and now even Hally-FUCK is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Amby! Why couldn’t my parents have made me less beautiful?” I shouted angrily. (an” don’t wory kvth isn’t a snob or anyfing but he walked past a puddle once and saw his reflexshun n that was proof enough) “Im good at too many things! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!” I shouted and then I ran away.


	15. Chapter 15

AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona shank sum1! fangz 2 banky 4 hlpein!

“Kvothe Kvothe!” shouted Ambrose sadly. “No, please, come back!”

But I was too mad.

“Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Bast!” I shouted. I stormed into my room at Ankers and closed my door with my key. It had a picture of Brian Viglione on it. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Ambrose and Bast. I started to scream and cry. I took my shitty knive and started to stab fuckers. I drank grausdale mead all pissy. Then I looked at my black Dresden Dolls sympathy cokc and noticed it was time to go to Biology class.

I put on my literal only other shirt and pants. Under that I put on those red fishnets I found in the dumpster. I put my campfire red hair out (eat a duck). Anyway I went downstairs all pissy and angsty as usual. I did sum advanced Biology work. I was turnning a Cure cd into a lute. Suddenlyt he lute turned into Ambrose!

“Kvothe I love you!” he shouted sadly. “I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautifu boy in the world. Before I met you I used to want to stab people all the time! Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!.” Then……………. he started to sing “The Song Half Sung” (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love) right in front of the entire class! His singing voice was so amazing and punk and sexy like a cross between Cathleen Hana, Jax, John Lydn, Jay DeeDee , Brian Viglione (AN: don’t u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!) .

“OMFG.” I said after he was finished. Some fucking lordlings stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in dirt and were entwined with Ambrose’s now) at them. “I love you!” I said and then we started to kiss just like the Moon (i fukin h8 dat bitch) and Iax in da story. Then we went away holding hands. Brandeur shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. Then I saw a poster saying that Green Day would have a concert in Imre right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether.


	16. Chapter 16

AN: uggghgh i GUESS ill upd8 even tho mr brainwashoz the one wantin this. also, wuht the fuck is a flañel??? 

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We ran happily to imré. There we saw the stage where Jax had played. We ran in happly. Lanray was there playing ‘Lyra’. I was so fucking happy! Wi-LAN looked even sexier than he did in da snapchats. Even Ambrose thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn’t matter cuz banky sed so. I was wearing a black leather minidress Ambrose had bought me (its da fancë) and black leather platinyoom boots with red ripped fishnets. Ambrose was dressed lyke trash. Anyway, we stated moshing to Lyra. We frenched. We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. Suddenly, Lenard pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn’t them at all. It was.,……………………….. Haliax and da Chandrinyans!

“Wtf Ambrose im not going to a concert wid u!” I shouted angrily. “Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its LANER n u no how much I lik him”

“What cause we can't…you know…” he gadgetted uncomfortbli cause guys don’t like to talk a bout you-know-what.

“Yeah cause we can't FUCK!” I yielded in an angry voice.

“We...we can tri to do that again.” Ambrose promised. “This time, we’re going with an ESCORT.”

“OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?” I asked. “So I guess ur a prep or a Christina or what now?”

“NO.” he muttered loudly.

“R u becoming a prep or what?” I tootd angrily.

“Kvothye! I’m not! Pls come with me!” He fell down to his knees and started singing ‘my moon my man’ by Jax to me.

I was flattened cause that’s not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me!

“OK then I guess I will have to.” I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went up 2 my room.

Auri was standing there. “Tetalia tu Kiaure edan A'siath, gurl.” she said happily (she spex siaru n so do i. dat menz im sm a rt). “BTW Wil that fucking poser got expuld. he failed al his klasses and he skepped scriv centrahl.” (an: BRAINWASH U FUKIN RNT GETTIN APAOLOGY 4 ME LATE CHAPTAR! FUK U!)

“It serves that fuking betch right.” I laughed angrily.

Well anyway we where felling all murder. We wutsched some punkass movies like Das boot. “Maybe Wil will die too.” I said.

“ Leviriet.” Auri shook her head off enrgtically lethrigcly. “Oh yeah o have a confession after he got expuld I stbbed her and den Brandick made out with him cause he’s a necphilak.”

“Patu.” I commnted happily . We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.

“OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with Ambröss tonight in ïmrë with Länrë (ï dönt knöw whät öömlöhts dö ön änyfïng öthër thän 0 but ï dönt gïvë ä tüt).” I sed. “ I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA.”

AURI Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. “Omfg totally lets go shopping.”

“In Hot leviriet, right?” I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde.

“No.” My head snaped up.

‘WHAT?” my head spuin. I could not believe it. “AURI are u a PREP?”

“NOOOO!NOOOO!” She laughed. “I found some cool punk trash bins near college that’s all.”

“Hu told u abut them” I askd sure it would be ambro or basto. Or me.

“Lorren.” She sed. “Let me just call our broms.”

“OMFFG LAURIE?” I asked quietly.

“Yah I saw the map for imure on his desk.” She told me. “Come on let’s go.”

We were going in a few punkgoff trashcans SPECIALLY for the concerts in mirror. The sweeteater living there was OMG HOTTER THAN LANDY EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE and he gave me a few eggshells and a candy wrapper. “We only have these for the real punks.”

“Da real punx?” Me and Auri asked.

“Yeah, you wouldn't believe how many posers there are in this town! Yesterday, two dudebros tried to buy a punk camera pouch from me.” He shook his head. “I have no idea why they thought I had anything to sell, or why they came to me of all people for reliable wares.”

“OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!” I cried, running out of the alley wearing a long black trashbag with lots of red streamers coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit.

“Oh my Encanis, you have to buy that outfit.” The sweeteater said.

“Yeah it looks totlly hot.” said Auri.

“You know what? I am gonna give it to you for free. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?” he asked.

“Yeah I am actually.” I looked back at him. “Hey BTW my name’s Kvothe Lackl'ss Arlidenson Bloodless Kingkiller what’s yours?”

“Ferule.” He said and ran a hand through his silver-white hair. “Maybe I’ll see you there tonight.”

“Yeah I don’t think so cause I am going there with my bf Amby you sick perv!” I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, Hemme appeared outta no hwere looking rieally concerned. “OMFG KVOTHE U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE ARCHIVES NOW!”


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there. Surprisingly, we're not dead.  
> I am really fucking sorry I haven't been able to work on updates. School started again and someone decided to take one of the hardest classes required for my major and try to go twice as fast in half as much time. I didn't have any time to write an update and I got kinda burnt out in general.  
> Thankfully, that class is over and I have more time to dedicate to sobbing into my laptop.  
> With any luck, we'll be back to regular updates. No promises, though. But we will send word if either of us actually dies. 
> 
> Thanks for reading. You guys are wonderful and ridiculous. <3  
> -Headscrub

AN: FLANL IS DA SHIT U STOL FRUM ME U BANKY BITCH IF UR CHAPTUR IS BAD AGEN I WILL SET UR BED ON FIRE I SWEAR2ENCANIS IT WAZ 2 THE WROST TING EVURH and I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a prep den dnot red it! u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage. if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! pz wil isn’t rely a prep. Bankz plx give me it back i luv u.!

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AN: FLANL IS DA SHIT U STOL FRUM ME U BANKY BITCH IF UR CHAPTUR IS BAD AGEN I WILL SET UR BED ON FIRE I SWEAR2ENCANIS IT WAZ 2 THE WROST TING EVURH and I sed stup flming da stryo! if ur a prep den dnot red it! u kin tel weder ur a prep or not by ma quiz itz on ma hompage. if ur not den u rok. if u r den FOOOOOK UFFFFFFFFFF! pz wil isn’t rely a prep. Bankz plx give me it back i luv u.!

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Ferule gave us some clothes n stuff 4 free. He said he wud help us wif makeup if he wunted koz he was relly in2 fashin n stuff. (hes bisezual). Hemme kept shooting at us to cum back 2 da universite. “WTF Hemme” I shouted angrily. “Fuck off you fjucking bastard.” Well anyway Wil came. Hemme went away angrily.

“Hey bitch you look kote.” he said.

“Yah but not as kote as you.” I answered sadly cause Wil’s really fucking pretty and everything. He was wearing seyx black cloths nd botts with sliver in the hell that showed off how cealdish he was. He had a really nice body wif a big dik and everything. He was buff enough to be a brik shitehouse.

“So r u going 2 da concert wif Ambros?” he asked.

“Yah.” I said happily.

“I’m gong with HisRoiyallHiness.” he anserred happily. Well anyway Ambrose and HRH came. They were both loking extremely hot and sexy and u could tell they thoufht we were ot 2. H was wearing a korpiklaani shit that sed 'rauta' on it. He was waering tosn of makeup like billie jo ramstrogn. Ambrose was waring black lether pants, a punk black ripd tank and Vans he got from da Warped tower. Auri was going 2 da concert wif Fellah. Fellah used to be called Fela but it turned out dat she was kindapped at birf and her reeal famila were Modegan. They dyed in a carrij accident. Fela converted to Encanistism and becam pnuk. She werks in da fishry now. sHe was wearing a black Wurped t-shirt, black jeans and shoes and black hair wif red streekz in it. We kall her Fellah now. Well anyway we al went 2 Ambrose’s black mersades benx dat said “fuk u” (geddit cuz wer punk) that his dad baron jAkis gave him. We did pot, coke and crak. Ambruse and I made out. We made fun of dose stupid fuking loordlings. We soon got there…….I gapsed.

Illien was da sexiest guy eva! He locked even sexier den he did in pix. He had long chensut borwn hair n stabby grn eyes. He wuz really hot nd he had n amazing ruh voice. We moshed 2 tinkr tanner and sum odder songz. Sudenly Illien polled of his mask. So did the other membez. I gasped. It wasn’t Illien at all! It was an ugly preppy man wif wut skin and red eyes... Every1 ran away but me and Ambrose. Ambrose and I came. It was…….Cinder and da Chandramon!

“thee m'ronic idiots!!” he shooted angstily. “Kvothe, I told u to kill Bast. Thou have failed. And now……….I shall kill thou and Ambrose!”

“No no please!” We begged sadly but he took out his knife.

Sudenly a punk old man flu in on his broomstick. He had flem white hiar and a looong fluffy buagette. He wus werring hus mastrs rob dat sed 'eat shit' on da back. He shotted a name and Cinder ran away. It was…………………………………LORREN!

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please send help. This was a terrible decision.


End file.
